Burayidi Weekly News 12/19/16

1. A North Carolina mother is being charged with stealing money from her daughter's Girl Scout troop. This explains why at the last sleep over party she gave a PowerPoint presentation titled "Don't Snitch".

2. Researchers have found super foods such as kale, kimchi, and celery are more effective at alleviating stress compared to high fat foods. They take your mind off the stress and focus it on thinking of something better to eat.

3. Scientists believe kidney donations from older adults are just as effective as kidneys from younger adults. You're 26 but hell yes you can get the veteran discount, your kidneys were in the Korean War.

4. The National Institute on Drug Use's annual survey showed drug use in teenagers has decreased. One teenager stated, "I don't do drugs, I just snort my mom's oxy."

5. New research shows a drop in hearing loss due to fewer noisy factories. That's why you clearly hear what that guy wearing headphones at the gym is loudly rapping.

6. The water at a Hawaii homeless shelter was shut off this week. The local 7 Eleven was overwhelmed for requests for their bathroom key.

7. Researchers have found cold weather can cause narrowing of the blood vessels leading to a heart attack and initiation of asthma. So let your significant other know you would have shoveled the driveway but you wanted to live to see tomorrow. 

8. Tulane University mistakenly sent acceptance e-mails to 130 prospective students. The students still hope they may be accepted to Threelane or Fourlane University.

9. Senior citizens with dementia are being provided battery operated cats to reduce anxiousness and agitation. Grandmas across the country are bragging about how their cat's shit don't stink.

10. Scientists are trying to determine if it is possible to make peanuts less allergenic. The answer is yes and it's called an almond!

Burayidi Weekly News 12/12/16

1. The Staten Island Motor Lodge Motel ,known for prostitution, was forced to changed from an hourly rate to a mandatory $100 overnight fee. Safe to say daddy won't be able to buy you a Hatchimal this Christmas.

2. Russian opponent Vladimir Bukovsky is claiming Russia planted child pornography on his personal computer to derail his anti-Russia movement. Upon hearing this Subway's Jared Fogle said, "Same here." 

3. Seesaws have been removed from New York City parks due to safety concerns. Seesaws seem so scarce since safety concerns scared citizens, statesman, and school students. 

4. Engineers are working on ways to make smartphone batteries less likely to catch fire. If your smartphone does catch fire make sure to stop, drop it down a flight of stairs, and watch it roll away.

5. Increasing numbers of infants in rural areas in the United States are born dependent on drugs, largely as a consequence of their mothers' use of opioids. Just to get more heroin it's been reported that infants all across the country are offering "gaga" and sometimes even "goo goo."

6. A terminally ill boy died in Santa's arms in Knoxville, TN. The mall stated the next time they will make sure the child is the last one in line instead of the first one.

7. A study has found that more than a quarter of medical students are depressed. The downsides to becoming a doctor are the military-like hierarchy, $250,000 in loans, and seeing people die on a regular basis but on the bright side they get to wear a nice clean white coat! 

8. Life expectancy for 2016 in the United States has declined compared to 2015. As social media goes live we lose ours!

9. Experts say fruits with thinner skin are more likely to be penetrated by pesticides. If you aren't sure tell your fruit you don't like its haircut and see if it gets mad.

10. Just because you are allergic to shellfish such as shrimp does not mean you are allergic to mollusks such as oysters and clams. All you need to do is eat the food and if your throat doesn't close up you are good to go!